Not This Time, Not This Tide

Years ago I had wondered whether it would be worth giving up the peace and stillness I had found to look for what my heart truly desired. I knew the journey would not only cost me a few tears and sweat beads but would singe my soul apart from my feet. I have my answer now.
The sea to me has always been and will always be an enigmatic entity. Ever-moving and ever-changing. The eternal wanderlust. Something that I knew myself to be. But I thought time had come to anchor myself and achieve what I truly always desired. Little did I know that I was trying to anchor on a mirage; a spectacle that was meant to be but never was. Hence I am on the move once again looking to seek out the elusive peace and stillness all over again. This time resting is not on the itinerary. Not this time, not this tide and not with this wind blowing.

A few years back I had taken up a hand writing analysis course out of sheer curiosity. I didn't discover anything I didn't know about myself, just came face to face with a lot of things I already knew but wasn't ready to acknowledge.
Of the things I do acknowledge, is my habit of being acutely planned, meticulous and future-oriented. But the last few months have been such that I don't plan anymore and I don't intend to be meticulous either. For I have seen plans go haywire, schedules falling apart and frankly I don't think I want to see that happen once more.
But being true to who I am and have been I still look forward to the future but this time with trepidation and a whole lot of cynicism.

A question or rather a comment the other night got me thinking on the various habits you manage to pick up from people on the way. Some you lose with the contact, some you don't. There are many which I have retained and over the years have added my own idiosyncrasies to them, much to the chagrin of those around me. I have often been innocently advised to let go of some but I wonder am I ready to let go?
I don't think so. For with those habits are associated countless memories which I definitely do not want to let go irrespective of the state of contact with the concerned person.
Hence for now, I suppose my 'idiosyncrasies' shall remain.

Experiences

Some experiences teach you a lot and some along with the lessons taught leave a lasting impression on you. Such have been my experiences over the last few months. Impressions so left have caused such a change that I have stopped reacting to things I would have probably fretted over sometime back.
How things change. How people change with them...how I have changed I muse and try to fathom what else is left to be experienced.

Glasses clinking, conversations flowing....a tantalizing glimpse of what might have been, what could have been and what should have been. But man proposes and god disposes. So be it.

I have often wondered why bad things happen to good people. My heart went out to a particular person when tragedy befell but certain behavior over the last few days has managed to erase every sympathy I felt. I have always believed in the saying, 'What goes around, comes around'; today I reiterate that to myself with a lesson, that I may sympathize with them but when the inherent wickedness shows every emotion melts away showing the reason for the 'bad things' in the first place.

My Identity

Clearing the ever building up clutter in my cupboard I chanced upon my mark sheets collected and preserved carefully over the years. I looked and smiled in wonder knowing that in some time to come they will be nothing more than pieces of paper having served their purpose long ago. I always had a yearning to create an identity for myself where I would be known as myself and not as someone's daughter or sister and hence had decided to work after I finished my studies. This decision stuck with me for a long time but little did I realize the aim was achieved the moment I had started out to achieve it.
A few months back a chance encounter with an old teacher brought about the realization, that I had indeed created an identity for myself in the places where ever I have gone. I have created for myself what I wanted with people whose opinions mattered and I have left lasting impressions on those who are not easily impressed, so much that one meeting and we have remembered each other for years to come. There cannot be a bigger achievement for me academically and professionally.
Hence today I can rest in peace knowing that I achieved what I set out for in every dimension.